29, Going on 30…

… just like the movie but with sadly less Mark Ruffalo and somehow even more synchronized Michael Jackson dances.

I’m not a big new years resolution person, mostly because I know myself pretty well and this is it, kids. I’m messy, I’m inconsistent with workouts and diets, I don’t have any broken dreams I need to resuscitate… shit is good. Granted, I should check for bed sores because I haven’t moved much from my couch or exceeded a slow amble in the past four days, but let’s save those goals for some douche with a Camelbak backpack and a will to live.

doucheincamelbak

Sorry, sir. I would say you’re probably not a douche, but you are the only thing that came up when I googled “Camelbak douche” so let’s call a spade a spade. Spade. Oh God, do you think people say that to David Spade all the time? Womp womp.

My “resolutions” if you want to call them that, as with most of my life goals, are pretty fucking simple. In fact, let’s call them yearly themes. Two years ago I wanted to try a lot of new fruits. Any fruit that I saw in the grocery store that had not yet graced my luscious lips, I would buy. The winner would have to be passion fruit (mushy sweet tart love). The loser was definitely prickly pears (WHY ARE THERE ROCKS IN THIS FRUIT?!).

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Thy cup overfloeth with delicious goo, and a shitty rock lobster.

Last year was the year of parks. My favorite was probably Zion National Park in Utah for all its majestic rock formations and views. My least favorite was the Valley of Fire because A DESERT IS NOT A PARK, AMERICA. A desert is punishment for criminals, Earth’s ashy elbow, Satan’s Bora Bora, and a great place to find a lot of spiders and snakes, but it is not a park. One does not picnic or aggressively hike in a desert because it’s hot and dry and you can get overheated and throw up in a Hess parking lot 45 minutes before your flight home. Heed my warnings…

 

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Zion refers to Jerusalem, the holy land, and Valley of Fire refers to a place someone named so that no one would go there but then everyone kept going there thinking it would be “fun”. I think.

Alas, friends, this year’s theme is a big one. This is the year of becoming a stupid adult. I’m going to be 30 in July so the theme I keep feeling deep in my soon-to-be-old bones is “maybe grow up a little”. My goals are to save even more money, stop shopping (as much) in the juniors section, learn more about politics and investing, start taking vitamins – Centrum Silvers at this point, and to slowly weed out my frat boy status furniture. That’s where this blog comes in. January 1st, 2016, I decided to start with something that all real adults have… decorative throw pillows and an innate hatred for today’s rap music.

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Before…. After. Transformation complete! To the moon, Cathryn.

You know the reason why I don’t have any throw pillows yet? Because their retail value far exceeds my perceived value of them. Let’s step back a second and talk about the various other things that fall into this category. When I first started living on my own, I was shocked to find the following items were way more expensive than I thought they would be. I’m sure you have some of your own too:

  • vacuums
  • bed sheets
  • car insurance
  • health insurance
  • cable television
  • olive oil
  • throw pillows

In my brain, throw pillows shouldn’t cost more than $10 per piece. I don’t know where that pseudo fact came from, perhaps I was born with it implanted in my brain. They are just a small piece of fabric filled with stuffing and should not cost more than a decent steak. I can, and have, made pillows for less than $5. So suck my nuts, pillow industry. The problem is, throw pillows are never that cheap! Even on sale at TJ Maxx pillows are usually $15-$25 each. Dog beds are cheaper which is not fair because they are way more comfortable and not socially acceptable to decorate one’s couch with, sans a pet dog.

suckmyballsgif

Mmm yes, suck away.

My mom and I took a trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond on New Years Day to check out their clearance sales. BB&B always has my favorite clearance racks and they did NOT disappoint! Throw pillows were on clearance and then discounted an additional 50% off, so of course I bought 3. Normally $25 each (barf) I got mine for $6 a piece! I also got bed pillows on clearance; one for $18 and one for $8! Even sweet Matthew, our Jimmy Stewart sounding sweet angel of a checkout boy, was impressed with our savings. FUCK YEAH MATTHEW! You best come correct when stepping to an almost adult with a stack of BB&B coupons and a distorted view of a throw pillow’s true value.

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Antes y despues. I kept Diego the cat shaped pillow because if being an adult means throwing away my cat shaped pillows then count me out. You think that’s what got Peter Pan going? Maybe.

Some advice, January is a great time to shop clearance. Stores are always trying to sell off their old stock so they can make room for brand new things to come in. Also, people have returned a lot of unwanted gifts which may be sold again at a lower value since they were touched by strange hands. COOL, I don’t mind! Second is a reminder to be patient and envision what you need to slowly build up your decor. You’ll always find what you need for a great price if you look hard and take your time. Third, if you have an animal in your home don’t spend a lot of money on throw pillows and make sure the covers are removable.

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This happened within one minute of putting these out.

workhardcat

The motto of 2016.

I can’t live a normal life I was raised by the street,

Cat

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5 thoughts on “29, Going on 30…

  1. Hahah great post! I also have an apparently very warped perception of an item’s value. I still can’t come to grips with why and how rugs are so expensive. Even used rugs on Craigslist that someone’s dog has probably pooped on a million times are like $200. “The value increases with age,” they say. I just don’t get it. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is hilarious. And all too true. Whoever said “the best things in life are free” was a fucking liar because obviously the best thing in life is a cat shaped throw pillow. And that shit’s expensive.

    Liked by 1 person

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